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Originally Posted by Kavi
oh boy can i relate.. :/
As well as the romantic gesture thing.
My boyfriend doesn't even do anything romantic on special occassions anymore. We didn't do anything special on Valentine's Day.
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You know kavi, most men don't have a romantic bone... haha.. well, they have one or two tiny ones... women's emotional brain centers are much more developed then mens.
This is a point of contention between the sexes... I guess in the end, just take men as we are... (ie, romantic-less).... a lot of women spend endless nights crying over just this one reason... you're better off getting yourself a gay-friend on the side to, or get some romance books or watch romantic shows to get your fill of romance...
This is not to excuse men, but just to point out that it may, in the end, be pointless in trying to change your 'men' and make them 'become more romantic'... men are made of stone... resistence is futile! Haha.. and if you try to force this on men, they'll generally think that you're trying to change them, and manipulate them... they will hate it....
Again, not to say that men don't enjoy romance, but they usually don't activate it... but they can do some major romantic gestures once a while... and surprise you...
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all he does is skate with his friends now. I feel bad and selfish for saying this because i can see that he's happy, but i liked it better when he didn't have a lot of friends at all.
I buy him boards ALL the time, i buy him skate shoes ALL the time because he needs at least one pair a month. I even used to take time to film him, but he has friends to do that for him now.
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I guess men needs to spend more time with their 'women'. But that being said, let your man do his things with his friends... when 2 ppl get together, the women tend to want to control every aspect of the men's life, and this would be a major change in the men's life... of course, in the woman's perspective, men are stupid and needs changing.. but in men's perspective, they are fine the way they are... women also needs to find women friends who can provide the type of activity that she enjoys that men don't... and vice versa...
the more you can live seperate from each other, and then also come together and enjoy each other's company without trying to control each other, the better the relationship would be and that'll be the type that lasts... a lot of young women make the mistake of trying to control their men, who they can see, etc.... suddenly the men feels like they are being tied down...
In general, what men enjoys and women enjoys are very distinct... like for example, most men would find shopping with their wives a 'hellish' experience... of course, this is not to say that there aren't any couples that enjoys the same things.. thsose are hard to come by...
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about you thinking of breaking up with your boyfriend bonbon, i think they're right^ to think about your relationship as a whole. For me, my boyfriend can be really inconsiderate and he's made me cry a few times for reasons similar to the bus situation. He's made me feel abandoned at times before. I never make him feel that way, ever! So it feels very unfair to me. But to be without his love, he's my ambition. When we met, he made me want to be a better person. He's done so much for me without knowing it. And I think every relationship has their off times. Especially long term ones. I've been with him for 3 years now, but I still feel excited to see him. I'm not bored of him, and i don't think he's bored with me. We love each other more than anyone before, so I think as long as that still applies, we won't be breaking up anytime soon even though sometimes I cry.
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This is really good advice. What you're really saying is that men are jerks to women at a lot of times without even realizing it, and they can be sweet too, also without realizing it... we are less conscious about the relationship than a woman is... so, take 'men' with a bit of salt... don't expect miracles... or, you'll eb disappointed...
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Oh, and he HATES it when i cry, which makes me cry more. Like whenever I cry, he doesn't usually try to make me feel better anymore, he just wants to leave. THAT makes me think about ending it sometimes, but then after a day or two, i'll forget all about it because of all the other good things...
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Ah, you have stumbled upon another major difference between men/women... women cries easily, almost about everything will can tear up their eyes... women, can turn on the tap at anytime, so to speak... men, both thru their upbringing and their genetic make up, don't cry... and when they do, it's probably bloody damn serious... so, when a woman cry, a man will consider it bloody damn serious and will not know what to do about it... he'll think that the world has ended... he can't deal with it, and he'll leave... and of course, when a woman cries, she just needs attention... needs some loving and some understanding and some listening.. and she'll be ok... but men just can't stand that type of emotions.. if a man is emotional, he wants to be alone.. so, he also leaves his woman alone...
Don't expect men to comfort you when you cry..... because if you do, you'll again, be futile in your quest... unless of course you buy a lot of books about relationship that educates men about women's 'crying' needs... heh!
I too get completely 100% uncomfortable when women cries and will run away as quickly as possible... my sisters cries all the time... even for small things... especially my younger sister.. her eyes will tear up even for simple arguments...
also, another thing to really consider is this... if you cry too often in front of your men, they'll think you're trying to manipulate them... and manipulating men is a big no-no.. if a guy thinks you're trying to get the better of them, they'll rebel... they'll do the exact opposite of what you want him to do... so, don't even try to manipulate a guy... just be honest with him...
If you want something from a guy, the following don't work:
1. Cry (may work once or twice, but it's like crying wolf, eventually he won't care and this will backfire)
2. Silent treatment (cause men will take this as you want time alone... he won't care, or if you do it a lot, he'll think you're impossible and can't deal with and will likely leave you).
3. Other kinds of manipulation and 'games playing', like giving face, or emotional hints etc... those will all bypass the guy...
To really get thru to a guy, the only way is direct communication. If you want some comfort, ask for it... say to him, 'I am feeling down because of this and this, and this is not your fault, but i feel like crying and don't panic, i just want you to hug me and comfort me and talk to me... that's all'... etc... if you feel bad about something, talk about it to him.. if you don't talk, if you try to play games, it'll only backfire..
Remember: If you don't tell a guy what's wrong, he will TRULY NEVER figure it out by himself. He's not a girl... girls can figure out what others are feeling because of their brain capacity for emotioans and reading them... men just physically can't do that...
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Originally Posted by BonBonBarbie
Thanks Kavi 
my idea is just to let him sweat it a bit. not answer any calls (not tht ive had any to answer) and not reply to anything if he sends it. then he'll realise how upset i am without me having to shout at him or anything, and will hopefully realise that things need to change.
i dont want to break up with him, i love him, im just sickof being so down 
ahh well. we shall just have to see what happens. |
BonBon... not answering his phone or other indirect means will not work... just sit down with him and tell him why he hurt you and how you have walked an hour and a half to meet him and he's throw cold water on your face.. tell him how that made you feel... he'll understand.. if he doens't then he's probably a jerk.. and ask him why he did that.. maybe there's a reason.. like he didn't want to see you then, or he had plans and you spoiled it, etc... who knows... remember, don't play games.. be honest...
I know it hurts.. and if it's another woman, she'll know how you feel, but since it's a guy, and guy are thick in the head, you need to be explicit..
In the end, like Kavi said eloquently, look at the relationship as a whole.. if he's not taking drugs, not cheating on you, not a bad guy but just lack romance, then you may want to chock it up to 'all guys are like that'... and give him his space.. when a woman gives his guy space to be with his guy friends.. he'll love her more for it.. Also, you need your romance as well, so in the end, you may have to initiate most of them... but maybe plan it with him first... heh!