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Thread: When your BF hugs other girls.

  1. #1

    Default When your BF hugs other girls.

    How does it make you feel when your boyfriend hugs other girls? Or maybe even one specific girl?

    I'm not saying like a friendly five second hug. They'll close their eyes, hug tight, sway and stay that way for like.. a long time. Even sometimes when I'm already holding him. Most times when I'm standing right there. It hurts. I feel like it's invasive and inappropriate... I've already tried talking to him about it but he says there's nothing to it. The problem is that he told me a while ago that he liked this girl a little bit back in September (before we started dating), so that doesn't make me feel any better.

    I won't lie. I am jealous and sometimes it just ruins my whole mood. I am a lot less "touchy feely" with friends than he seems to be (I just do not want to touch other people), but I notice its only this way with one girl in particular.

    Am I overreacting? I'd like to pretend I am but I am not sure. If I'm not, how do I tell him it makes me extremely uncomfortable in a way that he will understand?

  2. #2

    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    ugh that's terrible, i definitely do not blame you. i'm a super jealous person and would be driven crazy by that.. actually right now my boyfriend's going to prom with a different girl so i'm going psycho over that, lol. >.> i guess you just have to make it clear to him how jealous that makes you, especially since he's admitted to liking her in the past so she doesn't qualify as "just a friend". :/

  3. #3
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    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    is it just that one girl?

    either way, a hug that sounds like that is probably more than just a "friendly hug." in fact, it sounds exactly how my boyfriend and i used to hug.

    i think it'd be different if it was a couple-second hug with a pat on the back or whatever, so maybe you should talk to him about it and clear the air.
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  4. #4

    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    Quote Originally Posted by the_zorya View Post
    is it just that one girl?

    either way, a hug that sounds like that is probably more than just a "friendly hug." in fact, it sounds exactly how my boyfriend and i used to hug.

    i think it'd be different if it was a couple-second hug with a pat on the back or whatever, so maybe you should talk to him about it and clear the air.
    Oh, exactly! At least I'm not nuts. What bothered me so much about it was that they hug the way I hug him. Thats why it bugs me.

    There was one time he and I were watching a movie in a empty classroom, and she comes in to talk to him completely ignoring that I'm right there, hugs him and everything... and he said her hair smelled nice while he was hugging her. And then they started talking about what product she used or something and he was like "Well, keep using it!" Later when I complained that this bothered me and made me feel uncomfortable because both of them barely acknowledged me and ignored statements I made during the conversation about her hair product, he said that he compliments her because "nobody else ever does" and she has body issues... which while at one point she told me she had, now I don't know if it's true. And what bothers me more about that comment is that I'm a recovering bulimic, so it was like "Don't play that card. I do not have guy friends who compliment me like that, who hold me like that, because of some illness." (Then again, nobody else knows besides him.)

    It's not that he doesn't compliment me. I don't feel ignored all the time. I just feel ignored when she comes in. And most of the time she just acknowledges me with a "hi" and a friendly hug.

  5. #5

    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    Hmmm, well, I understand where you are coming from but I have two very close male friends and I hug them in very endearing ways, even if they are in front of their girlfriends, or I'm in front of my boyfriend... You know... Girls and Boys can be very good friends too, try to talk to your boyfriend about it and ask him about it.

    Also... He seems like a very nice person, to be complimenting a girl who has body issues. I have them too and I like that my close friends compliment me because of it, it makes me feel better with myself (sort of). I understand where you are coming from, but relax a bit and try to see things from his point of view.

    You see, being jealous is all fine, but don't let your "imagination/paranoia" go wild, sometimes the things your loved one says are really the truth. Don't try to seek for "hidden" truths. Ok ? Good luck ~

    Ah, also, if you want him to understand exactly how you're feeling... Just tell him exactly how you're feeling ! Telling him you're jealous because he doesn't hug anyone else like that. Just make sure that you won't ruin his relationship with that girl, because it seems like she's probably really happy to have a guy complimenting her.

  6. #6
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    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    well, i don't know your bf so i can't judge, but from my experiences, if a guy compliments a girl like that, especially on a small detail like how good her hair smells, he probably likes her.

    even if she does have body image problems, i can't see a guy who is just friends with her complimenting her. and if he were to, it should be something like 'you look like you've lost weight' and not how good her hair smells.
    "I have learned that the ambition of those who follow selfish precepts is no more than a chaotic waste, a finite gain that must be followed by infinite loss."
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    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    To me it makes no odds whether he actually 'likes' her or not. He's showing a massive lack of respect to you by flaunting this emotional attachment to the other girl and expecting you to live with it, and I think that's the big issue.
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  8. #8

    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    I've had friends of mine tell me my hair smells good... I don't get what's all the fuss.

    And how is showing emotional attachment to other people/girls lack of respect ? I'm sure that he doesn't know about this "rule". So if telly is really upset by this she should just talk about it, seriously, with her boyfriend (explain exactly how she feels and what it makes her think when he tells a girl her hair smells nice) rather than rely on these comments.
    Last edited by Tanjerahn; 04-29-2010 at 08:52 PM.

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    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    Ugh if my bf hugged any other girl even for half a secong I'd get so mad! He's mine, no one else can touch him!

    And if it's one particular girl, that seems pretty suspicious to me. But then I'm little miss jealous & paranoid!
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  10. #10

    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    It's ok being jealous and paranoid... I'm like that too.

    I just don't act based on it because I know my boyfriend well enough to know he loves me, and I trust him very much. And if I ever have any doubts I ask him and we talk it over seriously.

    Really, I don't want to come off like I don't feel jealous too... I just control it because I know that there's no reason to be jealous. You see, with the example of telly's boyfriend perhaps he's just a really giving person, you can't just go and condemn him for being nice to another girl. There are a lot of guys like that who still love their girlfriend.

    So... My suggestion still is: Talk with your boyfriend telly.

  11. #11

    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    Ok, so update, since half of these replies I didn't even get to see (and I apologize for that ><):

    We spoke last night. He's actually in agreement with me about a lot of the things I brought up, and told me that most of the times he's had to leave me to go work on the school paper or something with her, he felt terrible. (I always felt kind of apprehensive about it not because I thought they were doing anything, or that I was jealous, but whenever I'd go to the office to say goodbye to him, she'd make fun of us... and sometimes particularly me, about things of a really personal nature. And it really bothered me, so I just asked him if I could stop coming.)

    Regardless, the hugging thing bothered him too. He was like, "yeah, she did always seem to hug me longer than anyone else... sometimes it was really uncomfortable, especially if you were there." But the more we talked about it, we both agreed that she is probably a little jealous of us. So at this point we're thinking, idk, maybe it's just because she wants to bother me.

    And Tan, the problem was that I had brought this up to him MORE than once in the past and it was never resolved - it just kept happening, despite me explaining how uncomfortable it made me feel. So thats why I came here for advice on where to go next about it.

  12. #12
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    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    Glad to hear that he understands it's innappropriate behaviour. Hope he learns to say no to her.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tanjerahn View Post
    I've had friends of mine tell me my hair smells good... I don't get what's all the fuss.

    And how is showing emotional attachment to other people/girls lack of respect ? I'm sure that he doesn't know about this "rule". So if telly is really upset by this she should just talk about it, seriously, with her boyfriend (explain exactly how she feels and what it makes her think when he tells a girl her hair smells nice) rather than rely on these comments.
    If guys with girlfriends tell you your hair smells nice and you see them just as friends and have no bad intentions, that's fair enough, and respectable. But I wouldn't presume the girl involved here is as honest as you.

    PS: The "rule" of not cheating is a well known one, I expect he does know about it. It's possible to cheat without shagging.
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  13. #13

    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    Oh wow... So you're saying you talked to him about this in the past and he did nothing about it ? Well, I'm glad you sorted things out with him... Clearly he's trying to be nice to girl and she's playing a sorts of victim in order to make him fall for her.

    You know, she makes fun of you, disses you, and then talks to him like she's a little girl with a really bad life ? That stuff happens.

    Ah and Tarragon, indeed... I was trying not to take sides really, and my idea with my comments was to calm telly so that she would talk to him without freaking out or making a drama :) nothing else. Sorry if I came on the wrong way.

    And I wouldn't consider emotional attachment cheating... Unless we have different understandings of emotional attachment, i mean, friends can have that, right ?

  14. #14

    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    I'm naturally a jealous person, especially knowing that a lot of people at my school like/used to like my boyfriend. (That's not me being overly confident in him, that's me knowing in my first year of school there everyone tried to go out with him and was all over him.)

    When we first started going out, he had a lot of female friends that he hugged. However, it wasn't me it bothered. It was him. ^-^ He talked to me about it and said that he felt uncomfortable hugging them since he was going out with me now, especially because I don't hug my opposite-sex friends anyway.

    He changed the touchy-feely contact he had with all of his female friends when he started going out with me to make sure I was happy and that he wasn't uncomfortable. (Back then I was shy, so he didn't know I was jealous anyway.)

    That's just a random story, but you know... If he truly feels uncomfortable he'll change the way he acts. ^-^ You know.
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  15. #15

    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    But sometimes people can develop feelings from too strong of an emotional attachment.. and even though you may love you bf/gf, spouse, whatever, a connection can still be made with others romantically. Its those that are truly strong that can fight it. I'm hoping we are that strong - and I do think we are.

    And its reassuring to hear that I'm not unfounded... sometimes there are boundaries in a relationship, and whether you're the one getting hugged or that person's significant other, it still can cause huge amounts of discomfort. ._. I feel like since we've had the talk though, things are better. I'll wait to see what he does, but it'll be clear soon enough, you know?

  16. #16

    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    thatd make me feel sooooo jealous >_<

    i dont blame you! if my bf ( i dont have one though LOL) did that, id totally freak.
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    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tanjerahn View Post
    And I wouldn't consider emotional attachment cheating... Unless we have different understandings of emotional attachment, i mean, friends can have that, right ?
    I think we were talking about different things there too ^^;
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    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    I don't think I would mind if my boyfriend hugged another girl. I have nothing against showing signs of affection and friendship. And I tend to bear hug my close guy friends too. I think if two people who are friends and hugging each other then that's okay. But if another girl was hugging my bf and happened to have a crush on him or liked him and was hugging him in a more than friendly way. I'd probably get angry. My boyfriend has this really crazy ex who has obsession issues and lies non stop and isn;t exactly the most attractive girl out there. And my bf broke up with her after 4 days because of how clingy and crazy she was. And since then which has been 2 and a half years now. She still bothers him by constantly calling him, (even though he never picks up and now has her number blocked) stalking him whenever possible, posting comment after comment to hang out on his Facebook and Myspace, and whenever she sees him which is often. Because she lives two blocks away from him - she has a habit of glomping him even when he tries to run away much to his dismay -__-

    I doesn't bother me at all and I don't get jealous really. I've known the girl since kindergarten and she's been pretty obsessively crazy about guys her whole life. I feel more bad for her, because deep down she's a good person I know she is. But she's extremely clingy and bossy which pushes all types of people away from her ranging from friends, family, to possible boyfriends and love interests. Currently right now she is pregnant, has no job, is not going to college, and her future seems bleak. So she has been constantly macking on my bf trying to "seduce" him into marrying her so that she'll have a surrogate baby daddy because whoever knocked her up left her right after the night they spent together.

    It's sad really. And there are tons of girls like this everywhere. Maybe not as crazy but who missed out on the good nice guy. And now want that guy but he's already taken and so her last resort is to either seduce or steadily steal him away from you. Maybe that's what this girl that keeps hugging your bf is like. It all boils down to your boyfriend really. If he's a strong enough and loves you enough he'll spurn and ignore her advances and stay with you. There needs to be enough trust. I know my boyfriend will always be faithful and I have complete trust in him so I don't have to worry about how many other female friends he has or hug him. Because I know for sure that nothing will ever happen between them. Your boyfriend and you should try to build this bond and trust and work on it so you can get stronger as a couple and not have to worry about the cheating and overly affectionate other girls.

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    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    I'm glad you and your boyfriend talked about it. I remember one time in high school when my boyfriend and I got in a small debate over something stupid, and he ended up blowing up on me in Drama class. Everyday after class, we would pass by our friend. Each time he would hug her, and of course he picked her up, swung her around and hug her that time too. (She was pretty tiny btw lol). Maaaaan, I was PISSED.
    I know they were like brother and sister, but I thought it was such an asshole move of him to hug her that time. After we talked about it though, we both just settled it... I think we also realized that were both a bit of the jealous types haha.

    I'd be more okay with him hugging other girls now though because I've hugged people in the past that he wouldn't approve of either. I think that it's just important to always be open with each other whenever you're uncomfortable with something. Don't let it just linger inside and let it explode like a ticking bomb, haha.

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  20. #20

    Default Re: When your BF hugs other girls.

    yea.. it's ok. it's normal to be a tad jealous. it just means you care! just know that your bf is with you for a reason; he likes YOU and not them!

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